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What is a well-functioning family?
Preamble: Affective happiness consists in being authentically oneself while remaining supportive, and living surrounded by other people who are equally authentic and supportive. Being authentic is difficult because it requires giving up one's beliefs. Being supportive is difficult because it requires giving up one's privileges.
A well-functioning family is one in which each member can be themselves:
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There exists a rational mechanism for resolving conflicts, based on facts rather than dogmas or the social status of the parties involved.
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Individuals are kind toward one another.
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Communication takes the form of sharing experiences.
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One feels supported, because everyone is aware of the deep difficulties faced by other members, and vice versa.
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All these elements derive largely from the first one.
A well-functioning family also produces a virtuousvirtuous spiral:
I want to give my best in order to merit others' esteem.
What is a family that does not function well?
Conversely, here are the characteristics of families that do not function well:
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Some individuals aggress others, either due to pathology, to protect their own self-deception, or simply to secure a higher social rank (one aspect of generalized nepotism) or other advantages.
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Others are passive, in denial of the problems.
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People are assigned roles and expected to conform to them.
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Statutory authority is enforced.
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There are family myths that members are forbidden to question.
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Each person is left alone to face their deep difficulties.
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at the root of the family's problems
Often, underlying all these symptoms, one finds the following problem:
Each individual freely chooses what they would like to become (the third axis of ACT psychotherapy), based on their talents and personal inclinations. Other family members, especially parents, act as supportive proofreaders of this life plan, offering their experience and constructive criticism. Constructive criticism is justified and useful because life offers no favors to illusory plans. However, once the proposed life project is reasonably coherent and rests on vaguely acceptable values, family members should fully support it.
Unfortunately, in practice we observe that many individuals reject any life plan that does not match their own. They do not accept alterity, even within their own families, which produces the multiple symptoms of a dysfunctional family.
Going one step further up the chain of causes, the rejection of alterity is often the result of a personal life plan that is incoherent or based on hypocritical values (a gap between what is displayed and what is practiced).
Going one more step back, at the heart of such a life plan, we find social ambition and the refusal to acknowledge facts that are inconvenient.
Difficulty in building a well-functioning family
The main difficulty is generally the lack of mature and adult individuals, that is to say:
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Able to implement problem resolution outside any formal framework.
This requires the ability to look at facts objectively, without being biased by self-deception (caused by beliefs).
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Able to oppose other family members, not to improve their own position, but to ensure the proper functioning of the group.
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Deepen
There is a parallel between this question of the family and the question'What is a good friend?'. Moving from a dysfunctional family to a well-functioning one amounts to changing the relationship between its members from 'friends produced by the play of alliances', with just a bit more solidity due to blood ties, to 'true friendship'.
The safest method for doing so, for now, seems to be to temporarily adopt a formalism aimed at pedagogy, in order to learn how to practice problem resolution. See the question'What to do in a family where lying is the rule?'
Consult the questions'What is a good friend?', 'What is an adult?' and'What is virtuous training?'.