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What is a well-functioning family?
Preamble: Emotional happiness is being authentic and supportive oneself, and living surrounded by other authentic and supportive people. Being authentic is difficult, because it requires giving up your beliefs. Being united is difficult, because it requires giving up one's privileges.
A well-functioning family is one in which you can be yourself:
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There is a mechanism for rational conflict resolution, based on facts, and not dogmas or the social status of the protagonists.
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Individuals are kind to each other.
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The exchanges are of the exchange of experience type.
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We feel supported, because we are aware of the deep difficulties that other members face, and vice versa.
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All these elements follow very largely from the first.
A well-functioning family also produces a virtuous ripple effect:
I want to give the best of myself to deserve the esteem of others.
What is a family that is not functioning well?
Conversely, here is what characterizes families that do not function:
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Some individuals attack others, either out of pathology, or to protect the lie to themselves, or simply to ensure a higher social rank (this is one aspect of generalized nepotism) or advantages.
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Others are passive, in denial of problems.
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We play roles, and we are asked to conform to them.
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Statutory authority is applied.
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There are family myths that we are asked not to question.
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We are alone in the face of our deep difficulties.
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à la source des problèmes de la famille
Bien souvent, à l'origine de tous ces symptômes, on trouve le problème suivant :
Chaque individu choisi librement ce qu'il voudrait devenir (axe 3 de la psychothérapie ACT), en fonction de ses dons et appétences personnelles. Les autres membres de la famille, en particulier les parents, jouent le rôle de relecteurs bienveillants de ce programme de vie, pour mettre à disposition leur expérience et leur critique constructive. La critique bienveillante est justifiée et utile dans la mesure où la vie ne fait pas de cadeaux aux programmes illusoires. Cependant, à partir du moment où le projet de vie exposé est à peu près cohérent, et repose sur des valeurs vaguement acceptables, les membres de la famille devraient le soutenir pleinement.
Hélas, on constate dans la pratique que bien des individus rejettent tout programme de vie qui ne correspond pas au leur. Ils n'admettent pas l'altérité, y compris eu sein de leur famille, ce qui produit les multiples symptômes d'une famille qui ne fonctionne pas bien.
En remontant encore d'un cran l'enchaînement des causes, le rejet de l'altérité est bien souvent le résultat d'un programme de vie personnel pas cohérent, ou reposant sur des valeurs hypocrites (décalage entre ce qui est affiché et ce qui est pratiqué).
En remontant encore d'un cran, au coeur de ce programme de vie, on trouve l'ambition sociale et la non prise en compte des faits qui dérangent.
Difficulty building a well-functioning family
The big difficulty is generally the lack of mature and adult individuals, that is to say:
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Able to implement problem solving outside of any formal framework.
This requires being able to look at the facts objectively, without being biased by lying to oneself (because of beliefs).
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Able to oppose other members of the family, not to improve their personal position, but to ensure the proper functioning of the group.
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Go deeper
There is a parallel between this question of family and the question 'What is a good friend?'. Moving from a family that functions poorly to one that functions well amounts to changing the relationship between its members from 'friends products of the game of alliances', with just a little more solidity linked to blood ties, to 'a true friendship '.
The safest method to do this seems to us for the moment to be to temporarily adopt a formalism for educational purposes to learn how to practice problem solving. See question 'What to do in a family where lying is the rule?'
View questions'What is a good friend?', 'What is an adult?' And 'What is virtuous training?'.