↩ Homepage of the site 'What to do with your life?' What to do in a family where lying is the rule?This is only an outline which opens avenues, not sufficiently supported by practical experiences. Seek to implement problem-solving mechanisms within the family, and gradually become independent with regard to the protection provided by the family. The clan familyThe standard mode of cohabitation of humans, both at the family level and between states, is the direct product of our instincts, of our genetic heritage. It is structured by the game of alliances and its functioning can be formulated in the form: I do not denounce your turpitudes, you do not denounce mine. Such a family practices lying intensely, and individuals are forced to conform to their social role, to adopt a social mask, or be crushed, or leave. What to do when you don't find your place in the family structure? We can adopt three strategies (often a mix of several of them):
Denial of problems, flight, and fruitless struggleDenial of problems corresponds to the standard attitude in the bourgeois family of the 19th century: we do not deal with the problems, and we live together despite everything. Estrangement corresponds to the standard attitude in the middle-class family of the 20th century: we do not deal with the problems either, but we separate, which we modestly call recomposition. In less financially well-off families, we have always encountered a mix of both. On the one hand we stay for reasons of economic constraints, and on the other we 'pull' ourselves out of a toxic environment. A family in which we simply say we love each other, without resolving the problems, can be particularly devastating, because it simultaneously traps the individual in isolation (their problems), and guilt (if I am not happy with all the love that is shown to me, it is because I am abnormal). Concerning the struggle, it too often takes the form of a simple complaint, hardly more effective in improving the situation than pure denial of the problems. We will now explain how to fight methodically. The constructive struggleConstructive struggle involves working simultaneously at the micro and macro levels. At the micro level, it is about identifying exchanges that do not correspond to a constructive problem-solving attitude, and no longer letting them pass. This sentence should be clarified and examples given. At the macro level, it is about asking the question of the reason for being of each member of the family. The reason for being of a family member corresponds to what the others would lack if he were not there, taking into account the capacities that nature has given to the individual considered. Note: the methods that are effective in the family context are the same as those that are effective in the context of an association, or a small or medium-sized business. The similarity comes from the fact that it is a group of humans who know each other, and the difficulty is to go beyond the direct products of our instincts, namely social ambition and lack of rationality, to put implements the most sophisticated behavior of which humans are capable through education, namely problem solving. The limits of constructive struggleConstructive struggle can only produce results within the limits of the good will of individuals (see the question 'Tell me how you make decisions, I'll tell you who you are'), and this is why it is also important to prepare, at your own pace, to become an adult in the sense of the question 'What is an adult?'. Indeed, becoming an adult simultaneously solves two problems at the individual level:
SynthesisThe approach to constructive struggle that we have just described corresponds to the doctrine of Epictetus, which we adopted as the first of the three recommendations addressed in the question 'How to succeed in life?'. It consists of looking for what depends on us - here leading a constructive struggle and preparing to possibly do without family protection -, in order to effectively not worry about what does not depend on us, - here the good will of other family members -. Go deeperSee the questions:
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