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What is an adult?

I propose here a breakdown into developmental stages, as can be done in developmental psychology.

The adult stage requires accepting the consequences, namely the possibility of exclusion from the group. One therefore only becomes an adult around age 30, because at age 20, the normal primary goal is to integrate into society.

Let us also note that most individuals will never reach the adult stage. I quote an insightful nephew: «We are eternal children; some hide it better than others»

Why is it extremely difficult to become a fully adult?

Because one must confront social groups, and there is a heavy price to pay for this, which is often exclusion from those groups, and this harms, sometimes seriously, our social position.

It is therefore somewhat less difficult to become fully adult if:
1. one has received an education that values moral position more than social success, and especially values sincerity more than posturing.
2. one belongs to a privileged milieu in which survival is not the primary concern.

Even so... Take for example the document Buddhism, the Law of Silence by Elodie Emery and Windrille Lanos, broadcast by Arte, and probably available on YouTube. It explains how the Dalai Lama and Matthieu Ricard, two iconic figures of Buddhism, shirked, each in their own way, their moral duty to explicitly oppose members of their community who were both funders and engaged in sexual abuse and, more generally, mistreatment. This document illustrates the great difficulty of becoming fully adult, and indirectly the limits of the meditation technique, since these two individuals, considered highly moral and experts in meditation, nonetheless did not acquire a fully adult behavior as we define it here: it was the courage to oppose the group and endure the consequences in terms of social position that they lacked.
Thus, the main danger of Buddhism is not so much the risk of no longer experiencing or feeling, as is often feared by Westerners confronted with the notion of the quest for wisdom, but the risk of irresponsibility, from which the powerful figure of Christ protects Catholics better... when it is incarnated and not merely displayed.

Let us take a second example. Relatively few women (compared to men) have a directly deleterious attitude toward their children. Yet, a larger number of them will have an indirectly deleterious attitude due to their inability to oppose their spouse. Indeed, they will prioritize the protection of the marital bond to the detriment of their children. In this second example, the social group is the family unit (patriarchal). Let us salute, by the way, the numerous associations and anonymous individuals who work to help these women emancipate themselves. For a more precise explanation of this mechanism, refer to the question 'Putting an end to the abusive use of psychotropics and psychotherapies'.

Why is it important to become fully adult?

When one does not become fully adult, cognitive dissonance progressively leads one to deceive oneself in order to preserve a good self-image. After 40 or 50, one is then often more than a beautiful facade hiding a wretched core, which the slightest life crisis will reveal. The facade then becomes the only thing one has left, which one defends tooth and nail with a permanent dishonest discourse and artifices such as the ostentatious display of one's success. The smarter one is, the more elaborate the facade will be, and the better it will enable one to effectively deceive the naive.

Link with the ability to conduct serious reasoning and make decisions in conformity with the general interest

When one does not become fully adult, one becomes incapable of conducting serious reasoning and making decisions in conformity with the general interest, not only through conscious personal interest, but because one becomes trapped in one's own self-deceptions.

Conversely, becoming fully adult does not mean systematically opposing. Indeed, living in society requires a certain dose of compromise. Nevertheless, this compromise must remain conscious and internalized by the individual in the form of shame, and not evacuated through self-deception, generally based on beliefs.

Synthesis and Objective

Becoming fully adult is the only path to aging well, to feel good in life without needing constant distractions (consumption, organized trips, honors, power, etc.) to hide one's own misery, but it is an extremely demanding path, with a significant price to pay in terms of social success, unless one receives abnormally favorable conditions from life.

This leads many people to claim that they have received these abnormally favorable conditions, so as not to have to look at the compromises they have entered into, which cognitive dissonance has gradually allowed them to hide through self-deception. Their main objective, to ensure their own security, then becomes for these lies to be shared by their loved ones.
Let us not forget all those who, having shamelessly played the game of alliances and lost, often pretend that they lost... due to moral scruples.

One of the main objectives of this site is to connect people who make the demanding choice to become fully adult, because it is easier to overcome a trial when surrounded by people who do the same. Conversely, digital social networks are the kingdom of the facade.

Deepen

Consult the question 'Tell me how you make decisions, and I will tell you who you are' to understand the notion of mature individual that we propose there, which corresponds more to a capacity not to oppose facts, that is, to renounce lying as a tool for social advancement.
We also find this other dimension of maturity in the questions 'What must one do to be a good person?' and 'Why must one master one's ego?'. However, as we show in the treatment of the question 'What must one do to be a good person?', not opposing facts implies, because of the dreadful effect of cognitive dissonance, also becoming capable of opposing the group, that is, being adult in the sense of this present question.
Finally, the usual evasion technique, used to avoid having to behave fully as an adult, is presented in the question 'Not to judge'.

In Delly (popular literature from the first half of the 20th century), for example The Nightingale House or Magali, the very young heroine is characterized by her ability to oppose injustice and endure the consequences (performing a fully adult act). However, in this moral, patriarchal, and Catholic literature, this rare characteristic means that a few years later, she will be chosen by the prince above all others, whereas in real life, this generally does not translate into social elevation, but only possibly into a happier life, because surrounded by more sincere and supportive people.