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Why can one feel lonely within a family?

Humans are a species of social great apes.e audiovisual report Caribbean Primates by Jack Silberman and Jean-Christophe Ribot shows that the social system of these species is based on two distinct networks: the one of aggressivity, whose center in the report is a monkey named Tony, and the one of benevolence, whose center is the monkey Chester. A little further on, one of the researchers explains that the benevolence network, materialized in monkeys by mutual grooming, is materialized in humans by conversation.

Thus, 'conversation' among friends or within a family is a well-coded social fact within each social group of each culture. For example, two Tuaregs who meet in the desert stop, serve tea, and exchange all the information they have concerning who passed where, and when. In contemporary Westerners, women willingly exchange information about their children, and men about their professional activities or politics. What matters here is not the subject of these conversations, but the fact that they are coded in terms of content ... and duration. A monkey spends more time grooming another monkey with high social rank. In the same way, a human will spend time listening to another one, ... which depends on the social rank they unconsciously attribute to them.

In opposition to these highly coded forms, any human who comes with a subject of conversation not conforming to social expectations will be perceived as impolite. And if this subject is personal, related to their current difficulties, they will not really be listened to, but will just be politely dismissed after a time, which again depends on the social status they are assigned. Hence, a possible feeling of great loneliness.

Mechanics of Social Conversation

The shortest form of social conversation (the equivalent of grooming in humans) is:
« Hello.
Hello. »
It signals a non-hostile approach (unless the 'Hello' is said in a special tone), but no intention of alliance.

A slightly longer form is widely used in professional environments:
« Hello.
Hello.
How are you?
Very well, thank you, and you?
Very well, thank you. »
The « How are you? » is not to be taken at face value, but rather as one of the phrases of the ritual, aiming to establish a slightly longer grooming time, indicating an intention of alliance.

Then come the more developed forms of social conversation:
Between strangers, the conversation topic must be related to the situation: for example, hikers or cyclists who meet will exchange information about their routes or equipment. In the absence of an obvious subject dictated by the circumstances, weather can serve as a fallback topic.
Finally, people who know each other, but are not intimate, will willingly exchange information about sports news, TV series, big news headlines, etc.
In all cases, if the social conversation lasts, who speaks the most, leads the conversation, and dominates in terms of replies, becomes a reflection of social rank. In addition, in social conversation, the subject is unimportant.

One leaves social conversation (A), and therefore the subject of the conversation becomes important, in only three circumstances:
First, within the context of alliance games, if the conversation aims to establish a common strategy, generally to gain power or to counter another party (B).
Next, through empathic listening (C), one can show interest in the other. This is comparable to deep grooming in great apes. Nevertheless, this interest is still guided by the alliance game, and this is measured in terms of limited attention and time, depending on the social status assigned to the other.
Finally, the subject can become free and important, the actual object of the conversation, if one leaves the alliance game framework, and intimacy is established between the participants (D).

Family exchanges can well remain confined within the alliance game (cases A, B, and C excluding D), which will produce a sense of discomfort and loneliness for certain individuals, but not all.

To Go Deeper

Watch the audiovisual report Caribbean Primates by Jack Silberman and Jean-Christophe Ribot, available on Arte replay.
See the question 'What is a human being?'.

See the question 'The Myth of Listening and Good Atmosphere' to understand that conversation as a social practice of the alliance game is not the only type of unsatisfactory listening, and to understand what useful and truly benevolent listening really is.