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What is a well-functioning family?
Preface: Emotional happiness is being authentically yourself and supportive of others, and living surrounded by other authentic and supportive people. Being authentic is difficult because it requires giving up one's beliefs. Being supportive is difficult because it requires giving up one's privileges.
A well-functioning family is a family in which one can be oneself:
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There is a rational mechanism for resolving conflicts, based on facts, and not on dogmas or the social status of the protagonists.
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The individuals are kind and considerate of each other.
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Interactions are of an experiential nature.
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One feels supported because one is aware of the deep difficulties the other members are facing, and vice versa.
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All these elements stem largely from the first one.
A well-functioning family also creates a virtuous cycle of influence:I want to give the best of myself to deserve the respect of others.
What is a poorly functioning family?
On the contrary, here are the characteristics of families that do not function well:
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Some individuals attack others, either because of pathology, or to protect their own lies, or simply to secure a higher social rank (this is one aspect of widespread nepotism) or advantages.
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Others are passive and in denial about the problems.
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Roles are assigned, and one is expected to follow them.
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Status-based authority is applied.
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There are family myths that one is not allowed to question.
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One is alone when facing their deep difficulties.
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At the source of family problems
Very often, at the origin of all these symptoms, we find the following problem:Each individual freely chooses what they would like to become (axis 3 of ACT psychotherapy), based on their talents and personal inclinations. The other family members, particularly the parents, play the role of supportive readers of this life plan, to make available their experience and constructive criticism. Constructive criticism is justified and useful in as much as life does not reward illusory plans. However, once the life plan put forward is more or less coherent and based on acceptable values, the family members should fully support it.Unfortunately, in practice, we often observe that many individuals reject any life plan that does not match their own. They do not accept otherness, even within their own family, which results in the multiple symptoms of a poorly functioning family.Going one step back in the causal chain, the rejection of otherness is often the result of an incoherent personal life plan, or one based on hypocritical values (a discrepancy between what is proclaimed and what is practiced).Going one more step back, at the heart of this life plan, we find social ambition and the failure to take into account disturbing facts.
Difficulty in building a well-functioning family
The major difficulty is generally the lack of mature and adult individuals, that is to say:
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Capable of setting up problem resolution outside of any formal framework.This requires being able to look at facts objectively, without being biased by self-deception (due to beliefs).
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Capable of opposing other family members, not to improve one's personal position, but to ensure the group operates well.
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Go deeper
There is a parallel between this question of the family and the question 'What is a good friend?'. Moving from a poorly functioning family to a well-functioning one is equivalent to transforming the relationship between family members from 'friends produced by the game of alliances', with just a little more strength due to blood ties, to 'a true friendship'.The most secure method for achieving this seems to us, for now, to be temporarily adopting a pedagogical formalism in order to learn how to practice problem resolution. See the question 'What to do in a family where lying is the rule?'
Consult the questions 'What is a good friend?', 'What is an adult?' and 'What is a virtuous cycle?'.