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The myth of listening and good atmosphere

To the question 'What conditions must be met to produce serious reasoning?', we explained the four phases of problem solving, that is to say serious decision-making:
1. Notice the problem.
2. Conduct a serious analysis.
3. Develop a solution, often partial.
4. Implement it.

Now here's how to make arbitrary decisions, saving yourself all the cognitive effort of the analysis part, while still appearing like a nice person:
1. Have the other person describe the situation, take an interest in their description, ask questions, but above all seek to create a good atmosphere, therefore not noticing any inconsistencies, approximations, beliefs, etc.
2. Pose, without the slightest justification, the solution you have chosen.

The principle is as follows: it is the time of empathetic listening that creates in others the feeling of benevolence, even if this leads to a botched decision.

At the level of the presentation of the chosen solution we can also use different artifices to camouflage the final recourse to an authoritarian approach:
We're going...even if it's the other one who's actually going.
I suggest to you... and as if you screw up, I will let you know that you did not listen to me, instead of supporting you, in practice, I put pressure on you.
I would like to, but the rule is... I will brutally apply the conventional solution, without even having made the effort to evaluate to what extent it was adapted to the present case, nor taking the risk of opposing the absurd or the unfair.
...

Empathic listening as a life strategy

Empathetic listening is so effective that it becomes the dominant mode of relating to others for certain individuals. When they meet us, they ask for news, are interested, get people talking, and don't talk themselves. They are simply accumulating confidence capital, which will be useful to them when the time comes.
This way of approaching others is also very effective for practicing the game of alliances, because of the sympathy it creates.

What is useful listening?

Useful, and truly benevolent, listening is a rereading of the other person's reasoning, when they are seeking to resolve a problem concerning them. This listening aims to identify inconsistencies, holes in his reasoning, and to suggest new avenues of reflection. It is a simple provision of one's own cognitive abilities and experience to others.

Become addicted to the good atmosphere

Solving problems requires temporarily leaving one's mental comfort zone, literally 'looking for problems'. The associated exchange is therefore uncomfortable by nature.
If we do not accept it, if we demand the right atmosphere as a preamble and necessary condition for a satisfactory exchange, then we do not resolve the problems, which accumulate, make us more and more stressed, therefore more and more addicted to the good atmosphere to compensate for this stress, therefore less and less effective in effectively solving the problems, which continue to accumulate. It's a vicious circle.
The good constructive atmosphere takes the form of: it was hard, we worked well, now let's enjoy. See the paragraph 'Alternative recommendations' to the question 'How to succeed in life?'.

Go deeper

Voir la question associée 'En quoi la bienveillance et la tolérance sont-elles des attrapes ?'.

Au niveau des motivations, voir la question suivante 'Don't judge'.
On a technical level, see the question 'What conditions must be met to produce serious reasoning? Problem solving.' which describes the methodological framework of the mental problem-solving process in which useful listening must be practiced.
See also chapter 9'The problem log' from the book From capital to reason which describes a social framework aimed at promoting the putting into practice of this problem-solving process.
In the end, if the informal exchange remains the most pleasant, because the most fluid, it is also the most difficult to implement, the one which goes off track the most easily, so it is preferable to return to a structured exchange, as well at the methodological and social level, each time we notice that we are not making satisfactory progress in resolving problems.