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What is an adult?

I suggest a stage-based development model, as it is commonly used in developmental psychology.

The adult stage implies accepting its consequences, namely potential exclusion from the group. Hence, one becomes an adult only around 30 years old, because at 20, the main goal is to integrate into society.

We also notice that the majority of individuals will never reach the adult stage. I quote a perceptive nephew: 'We are eternal children, some hide it better / more than others.'

Why is it extremely difficult to become fully adult?

Because one must confront social groups, and there is a heavy price to pay: often exclusion from those groups, which can seriously affect our social position.

It is therefore slightly less difficult to become fully adult if:
1. One received an education that values moral position more than social success, and especially sincerity more than posturing.
2. One belongs to a privileged background in which survival is not the main concern.

Still, let's take an example. Consider the documentary Buddhism, the Law of Silence by Elodie Emery and Windrille Lanos, broadcast by Arte, and probably available on YouTube. It explains how the Dalai Lama and Matthieu Ricard, two prominent Buddhist figures, each in their own way, evaded their moral duty to openly oppose members of their community who were both funders and involved in sexual abuse and, more generally, mistreatment. This documentary illustrates the great difficulty of becoming fully adult, and indirectly the limits of meditation techniques, as these two individuals, considered highly moral and meditation experts, did not acquire fully adult behavior in the way we define it here: it was indeed the courage to oppose the group and bear the consequences in terms of social position that they lacked.
Thus, the main danger of Buddhism is not so much the risk of ceasing to feel emotions, as often feared by Westerners faced with the notion of the search for wisdom, but rather the risk of disengagement from responsibility, which the powerful figure of Christ protects Catholics better... when it is embodied and not merely displayed.

Let's take a second example. Relatively few women (compared to men) have a directly harmful attitude toward their children. Yet a higher number of them will have an indirectly harmful attitude due to their inability to oppose their spouse. They will in fact prioritize the protection of the marital bond at the expense of their children. In this second example, the social group is the family cell (patriarchal). Let us also salute the many associations and anonymous individuals who work to help these women become emancipated. For a more detailed explanation of this mechanism, refer to the questionEnding the Abusive Use of Psychotropics and Psychotherapy.

Why is it important to become fully adult?

When one does not become fully adult, cognitive dissonance gradually leads us to lie to ourselves to preserve our good image. After 40 or 50, we are often more than just a beautiful facade hiding a miserable foundation, which any minor life crisis will reveal. The facade then becomes the only thing we have left, which we defend tooth and nail through constant lying and artifices such as the ostentatious display of success. The more intelligent one is, the more elaborate the facade will be, and the more effective it will be at deceiving the naive.

Link to the ability to conduct serious reasoning and make decisions in the public interest

When one does not become fully adult, one becomes unable to conduct serious reasoning and make decisions in the public interest, not only for conscious personal interest, but because one becomes trapped in one's own lies to oneself.

Summary and goal

Becoming a fully adult person is the only path to age well, to feel good in life without needing permanent distractions (consumption, organized travel, honors, power, etc.) to hide one's own misery, but it is an extremely demanding path, with a significant price to pay in terms of social success, unless one receives abnormally favorable conditions from life.

This leads many people to pretend they have received these abnormally favorable conditions, to avoid having to look at the compromises they have entered into, which cognitive dissonance has gradually allowed them to hide through self-deception. Their main goal, to ensure their own security, then becomes that these lies are shared by their close ones.
Let us not forget those who, having shamelessly played the alliance game and lost, often pretend they lost... due to moral scruples.

One of the main goals of this site and the association that will emerge from it is to connect people who have made the demanding choice to become fully adults, because it is easier to overcome a challenge when you are surrounded by people who are doing the same. Conversely, digital social networks are the realm of the facade.

Go deeper

See the questionTell me how you make decisions, and I will tell you who you areto understand the notion of a mature individual we propose there, which corresponds more to the ability to not resist facts, that is, to renounce lying as a tool for social progress.
We also find this other dimension of maturity in the questionsWhat should one do to be a good person?andWhy must one master one's ego?. However, as we show in the treatment of the question 'What should one do to be a good person?', not opposing facts implies, due to the formidable effect of cognitive dissonance, becoming also able to oppose the group, that is, to be adult in the sense of this question.
Finally, the usual circumvention technique, used to avoid having to behave fully as an adult, is presented in the questionDo not judge.

In Delly (popular literature of the first half of the 20th century), for example The House of Nightingales or Magali, the heroine, very young, is characterized by her ability to oppose injustice and to bear its consequences (a fully adult act). However, in this moral, patriarchal, and Catholic literature, this rare characteristic makes her chosen among all by the prince, whereas in real life, it generally does not result in social elevation, but possibly in a happier life, surrounded by more sincere and supportive people.